This weekend we went to family reunions on both side of my husband’s family. I was doing so well and feeling so blessed to have Peanut with me. Than on Sunday my wound opened up again.
We were at my husband’s aunt’s house where I had previously had a melt down during a family gathering at Christmas. It was right after I had lost Grace. I felt like this time was going to be different. I was in a different place and on the way to bringing Peanut into this world. But being pregnant can only cover up your wounds for so long.
My husband’s brother and sister-in-law were there with their three children. They are beautiful children don’t get wrong. Their youngest is 3 months old. The difficult thing was we found out they were expecting again with their youngest a month after we had lost Nathaniel. The news hurt. It was like a knife going through my heart.
Well everyone was oohing and aahing over her. And they have every right to, I know that. I was ok for awhile and then Nathaniel and Grace entered my mind. One of them should have been at that party. Everyone should have wanted to hold them. The tears started to weld up and I knew I had to get away from the situation. I went to the bathroom and let the tears flow. I felt like my wounds were opening up all over again. The pain, sadness and anger was coming out. I had to get a handle on myself as I was supposed to be all happy at this party. I finally pulled it together and went to talk to my husband. He had to know what I was feeling. I gained my composure the best I could to get through the rest of the afternoon.
Yes I’m pregnant and everyone there knew it, but I’m still dealing with the sadness of losing my two angels and I don’t think they know that and understand that. Just because I have Peanut with me, doesn’t mean there is still this emptiness in my heart. This is not an easy journey.
(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteJust because you are pregnant again doesn't mean that you are no longer free to mourn your other babies. Grief is going to be the stronger feeling sometimes.
I'm sorry you had such a rough day.
You're right. It isn't an easy journey, but it is worth it. Before you know it, you'll be snuggling your little Peanut. :)
ReplyDeleteYES! Pregnancy cannot ever make the pain of loosing your child(ren) go away. So many people don't understand that. Some even expect that pregnancy should fix it all. . . how wrong they are. I am so sorry that you had to deal with that. You have every right to feel the way you do.
ReplyDeleteHugs for the rough days.
ReplyDeleteTake care
I totally get this. That was like attending my sis in law's baby shower and fielding all the questions about whether or not their child was the first grandchild. That was like sticking a knife right in my heart!! Thinking of you, Grace and Nathaniel *hugs*
ReplyDelete