Sharing my Love

I’m having a hard time balancing my love for my angels verses Peanut. I love Peanut more than anything right now. But I am afraid if I love Peanut too much, Nathaniel and Grace in spirit will be hurt. I still miss them dearly and think about them a lot. I still wonder what might have been. I know that if they didn’t go to heaven, Peanut wouldn’t be here. And I wouldn’t want to take Peanut away. I know I need to just accept things as they are. For some reason, God needed N&G more than I did. And now he has brought Peanut into our life. I have to accept the road I have been given, and continue to have the strength to tackle the bumps along the way.

I’ve discussed with my hubby already that I want to have a special piece of art in the baby’s room. It’s something I need to do for myself emotionally. Depending on what theme we ending up doing, if its butterflies or frogs, I want to have a piece of art with either two frogs or two butterflies. I want to have N and G written on them somewhere. I feel Nathaniel and Grace need to have a place in the room. It was supposed to be there room. I also see it as a piece of art watching over Peanut as he/she grows up someday. I want this baby to know about them. I want N & G to know that they are not forgotten and always here with us.

I’m still not sure if I want to have something custom made or buy something off the shelf. All I know is I want it to be special. I want it to represent the beauty of what they would have become. I want them to have a place in that room even though they are not here in body. Being pregnant after two losses isn’t easy. I’m finding that more and more apparent each day.

3 Year Wedding Anniversary and Peanut Update

Today is a happy anniversary finally – my hubby and I were married three years ago. It’s amazing how fast the time goes by. I can definitely say I love him more today than I did on our wedding day. We have been through good times and bad and I can’t imagine doing it with anyone else but him. He truly is my best friend.

Today we got to check in on Peanut as well. I must say this was the first appointment I’ve ever been to that I was fairly relaxed. My blood pressure was good at 118/70. I’m keeping this positive attitude that everything is going to work out this time and I think it might finally be working.

Unfortunately no photo of Peanut this time. She did check the heartbeat and it was around 150bpm. Peanut kept moving around so she had to keep moving the Doppler. We’ve been finding the heartbeat at home with an in home Doppler but hearing it again brought me comfort.

Next appointment isn’t until August 31. Can I really wait 5 more weeks? It’s a little later than I wanted but it’s with the doctor that has been there with us through our miscarriages. She understands all we have gone through and we want her to be there to find out the sex. I’m still thinking its a girl but honestly whatever God gives us I will be overjoyed. I just want this baby healthy.

I think I might be starting to breathe. It’s been so long....

Grace’s EDD

Two “anniversaries” in four days is a lot to handle. Today Grace was supposed to be born into this world. Today I was supposed to hold my little girl. Instead my arms our empty. I miss her terribly. I remember the day I had my D&C. I was an emotional wreck. They were starting to wheel me down to the operating room and I just lost it. They had my husband come back in to comfort me and calm me down. I remember carrying a box of tissues all the way to the operating room. No one deserves to feel that pain. That was one of the most difficult days in my 30 years of life.

Before it was confirmed she was a girl, I knew it in my heart. For some reason “Grace” was a name that always stuck out to me. When I hear it, it reminds me of something peaceful. I felt she deserved a peaceful and beautiful name. Anytime I hear the word “Grace” in church or in a sentence, my mind immediately goes to my little girl. Maybe in her own way she is speaking to me. She is reminding me of her beauty and what she would have become.

My dearest Grace, I only wish I could hold you in my arms today. Instead you decided to make your way right to heaven to be with your brother. You are together now and at peace. Always know how much Mommy and Daddy love you and how blessed we were to have you in our lives even for just 7 weeks. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. I love you my precious beautiful little girl.

One Year Ago….

I said goodbye to Nathaniel. I had my D&C on July 22, 2009. It still hurts. The pain and emptiness in my heart is still there. He was my first baby and will always have a special place in his mother’s heart. It’s been a long year. We lost his sister Grace in December and now are hoping to welcome his brother or sister in January. So much has happened, but I still miss him terribly.

They say time heals all wounds. I’ve healed a bit but still have this big scar of heartache that will never go away. It’s something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I still remember the sadness and physical pain I felt that day. I remember thinking; this wasn’t supposed to happen to me. It was my first pregnancy and I had gone through thinking that everything would be just fine. I wouldn’t miscarry. Well I thought wrong.

I was blessed in that my body knew Nathaniel wasn’t viable and my body absorbed him. It brought me a little bit of peace during that difficult time. I know he will always be with me.

Nathaniel – I want you to know how much I miss you and how much you were wanted. You would have been 5 months now. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and wonder what life would have been like with you in it. I know you and Grace are taking care of each other, and for that it gives me peace. I love you my little boy, my first baby for always and forever. Love, your Mom

The Versatile Blogger Award

I was nominated for this award by Jo at MoJoWorking! Thanks Jo!

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you.

Thank you Jo for this nomination. I’ve followed your blog for awhile before starting to comment. We have taken slightly different paths on this long journey but I have always felt a connection with you. I have never met someone so strong even after all your have been through. You are one of those people that I wish I could meet in person. I’m so thankful to have found you along this journey. I truly believe in time you will be a mother. Keep believing Jo! Know I will be believing with you!

2. Tell 10 things about yourself that readers may not know.

a. I am a big time dog lover! My dream job is to own a doggie daycare business. Every time I see a dog, my face lights up. I’m so thankful to have Wally, our beagle/redbone coonhound mix that we adopted from a Humane Society two years ago. He truly lights up my life.

b. I sleep with a fan every night. If I don’t have a fan, I can’t sleep. This started in the summer probably in high school. I used a fan in the summer to stay cool and never put it away after that! I even got my college roommate addicted!

c. My husband and I met on eHarmony. We had crossed paths multiple times before but the internet finally brought us together. My favorite story is I was in MA and was attended a college gathering (we went to the same college). He was working at the college at the time and was staffing the event. I had to sign in through him and for some reason I remembered his face (by the way I had a boyfriend at the time). We talked on eHarmony a year later and he told me what he did. He showed me a photo and it was the same guy. It’s amazing how sometimes people come together. I can’t imagine my life without him.

d. My mom is my best friend (besides my husband). I’ve always had a close relationship with my mother. She had the same relationship with her mom. I only hope one day I will have a daughter and can share in the same bond.

e. I hate history. It bores me to death. It’s funny though how I married a history major! Every time he watches the History channel, I just want to fall asleep!

f. I’m obsessed with bread. Give me bread and water for a week and I would probably be a happy person! The only kind of bread I don’t like is sour dough.

g. My favorite alcoholic drink is a tie between a Bud Light Draft and a cold glass of Chardonnay.

h. I always wanted a sister (I have just one brother). Interestingly enough I married someone with three brothers! My brother did marry an amazing women and I would consider her the next best thing to a sister. I talk to her more than my brother!

i. If I could spend one day with someone that passed away, it would be Walt Disney. He has always been an inspiration to me. If you believe in yourself and your dreams you will go far and he did just that. I was thankful enough to do a college internship at Walt Disney World. It was one of the best experiences of my life.

j. My favorite quote - “The hardest part of life is not holding on, it’s letting go.” This has held very true for me throughout most of my life.

3. Nominate 7 new-to-you bloggers for this award

Heather from In This Storm

AFM of Air Force Mommy

Shannon from A Memory in My Heart

Alex from Alex’s Adventures

Christa from Fumbling Towards Motherhood

Ally from Life’s a Beach

Katy from In Hannah’s Honor

Please send some blogging love to AFM

If you have a second today, please visit AFM at Air Force Mummy today. She just had her third miscarriage and could use all the support. My heart is aching for her today.

AFM - I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. Know I'm here for you.

Second Trimester

Today starts my 14th week...

I'm in shock that we've made it this far. Somedays I didn't think we would. I've been blessed with my miracle baby. After all we have been through, it makes this current journey scary, stressful, but at the same time a true blessing. I cherish everyday with Peanut.

I love you Peanut and am so thankful to have you here with me. Mommy loves you beyond words.

The Holiday Weekend

I hope you all have a nice 4th of July weekend. We got to spend some quality time with our friends, which was so nice. We got to partake in two fireworks displays, a parade and a yummy barbeque.

Despite a wonderful weekend, my mind kept thinking of Nathaniel. Last year I was one of those pregnant ladies that didn’t have a care in the world and thought everything was going to be perfect. I was around 9 weeks pregnant last 4th of July and hadn’t had my first ultrasound yet. I remember thinking, next year we will have a little one.

As we know that didn’t quite happen. Instead my arms were empty this 4th of July but my belly is carrying a healthy baby this time. My mom was talking about buying a 4th of July outfit for this baby next year. To tell you the truth I couldn’t fully accept that because I know things happens. I know this baby is healthy now but what if my arms are still empty next year? I think I will always have this caution tape around me until this baby is born. I miss you Nathaniel and I hope you know you are loved.

This month also marks the month Grace would have been born – she was due July 26th. Peanut has brought me such comfort and love but will never take away the pain I feel from losing Grace. I know she is in heaven taking care of her brother. It’s definitely a month of many emotions.

I am doing well physically though. I feel my belly popped out this past week. This Sunday marks 14 weeks for me and the start of my second trimester (I know everyone uses different weeks for the second trimester – I’m using the furthest date out). It’s hard to believe we’ve made it this far. I love this baby more and more each day. It’s scary how we get so attached. Three weeks from today we get to see this baby again (I’m not counting or anything). I’m glad it’s happening that week as I know it will be hard as Grace would have been born that week.

Peanut Photo - 12 weeks 3 days

Here is a photo of Peanut as promised. He/she was measuring 13 weeks but was probably stretched out. It wasn't moving so I'm assuming the little one was taking a nap. Must be nice as its 2:30am in the morning and I can't sleep. This has been the case since I got pregnant. I think this baby is a nightowl (taking after their father)! This is from an external ultrasound so its not quite as clear as the other photos but its still precious anyways.

We don't see Peanut for 4 weeks, on July 28th. Interestingly enough, July 28th is my husband and I's 3rd year anniversary. I don't think I could ask for a more perfect gift. I will be 16 weeks 3 days at that point. Can't wait to see Peanut again.

I hope all of you have a wonderful 4th of July weekend. Our good friends from DC are coming to visit us. The guy is my husband's childhood friend and the girl is one of my close college friends. They were both single at our wedding so we introduced them that night. We thought they might hang out and have a good time that night but that would be it. Well almost 3 years later they are still together. Who would have thought? You really never know what life will bring you!!