Since being part of this community, I find it amazing what each of us will put ourselves through in order to be parents someday. We will overcome our fears and deal with the unknown’s. We all know it will be worth it in the end.
When I went to my consult with the fertility specialist a few weeks ago, the nurse mentioned that since I’ve had two miscarriages I should be getting 2000 mg (?) of folic acid. My prenatal was giving me 800mg so I went out and bought some where each pill gives you 600mg. So now each morning I’m taking one prenatal along with two folic acid pills. I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal.
Well the additional folic acid pills are making me burp up the taste of fish. And I HATE fish. I eat tuna and that is about it. I hate the smell of fish. So every morning now I get to burp up fish. I hate it but you know what, it’s worth it. If it means having a healthy baby in the near future, I would do anything. It’s just another reminder of what I push myself to overcome in order to be a mother. I hate fish, but being a mother is that important to me. My future baby is worth this and then some.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
How much more can I handle
It’s has been rough for me these past few months ever since losing my two angels. I’ve been clinging to anything stable right now. I got some bad news this morning.
To give some back story first, I’ve struggled with bosses. I am a very easy person to get along with but every boss I have had has not respected me and valued me for me. They have all treated me like crap. The last job I left because of my boss. I figured my breaking point was when I took my lunch breaks to go cry in the Wal-Mart parking lot close by. He in essence was emotionally abusing me. I recently was able to talk to the women who took my place and she had the same issues with him. She said I could have sued for a hostile working environment because it really was that bad. They finally got a new HR person and fired him. It’s about time.
I felt so blessed to finally have a wonderful boss in my current job. He treats me with the respect that I deserve. We work well together and able to bounce ideas off each other. After dealing with all my other bosses, he was a breath of fresh air. Well I got news today that his job is being eliminated. You don’t understand how much that devastates me. He has till the end of March and then he is done. I seriously don’t know how I’m going to handle this change. I can’t deal with another change.
So the question arises, God, how much can I handle? How much crap are you going to send my way? I’m about to break. The anxiety is back in full force today just thinking of my boss not being here anymore. Why do I have to go through all this shit? To some losing a boss might not be a big deal but after what I’ve been though, especially my last boss, this is bad. I’m scared of what is going to happen when he leaves. I can’t deal with more unknowns. I’m just not sure if I can handle this on top of everything else on my own.
To give some back story first, I’ve struggled with bosses. I am a very easy person to get along with but every boss I have had has not respected me and valued me for me. They have all treated me like crap. The last job I left because of my boss. I figured my breaking point was when I took my lunch breaks to go cry in the Wal-Mart parking lot close by. He in essence was emotionally abusing me. I recently was able to talk to the women who took my place and she had the same issues with him. She said I could have sued for a hostile working environment because it really was that bad. They finally got a new HR person and fired him. It’s about time.
I felt so blessed to finally have a wonderful boss in my current job. He treats me with the respect that I deserve. We work well together and able to bounce ideas off each other. After dealing with all my other bosses, he was a breath of fresh air. Well I got news today that his job is being eliminated. You don’t understand how much that devastates me. He has till the end of March and then he is done. I seriously don’t know how I’m going to handle this change. I can’t deal with another change.
So the question arises, God, how much can I handle? How much crap are you going to send my way? I’m about to break. The anxiety is back in full force today just thinking of my boss not being here anymore. Why do I have to go through all this shit? To some losing a boss might not be a big deal but after what I’ve been though, especially my last boss, this is bad. I’m scared of what is going to happen when he leaves. I can’t deal with more unknowns. I’m just not sure if I can handle this on top of everything else on my own.
How much more can I handle
It’s has been rough for me these past few months ever since losing my two angels. I’ve been clinging to anything stable right now. I got some bad news this morning.
To give some back story first, I’ve struggled with bosses. I am a very easy person to get along with but every boss I have had has not respected me and valued me for me. They have all treated me like crap. The last job I left because of my boss. I figured my breaking point was when I took my lunch breaks to go cry in the Wal-Mart parking lot close by. He in essence was emotionally abusing me. I recently was able to talk to the women who took my place and she had the same issues with him. She said I could have sued for a hostile working environment because it really was that bad. They finally got a new HR person and fired him. It’s about time.
I felt so blessed to finally have a wonderful boss in my current job. He treats me with the respect that I deserve. We work well together and able to bounce ideas off each other. After dealing with all my other bosses, he was a breath of fresh air. Well I got news today that his job is being eliminated. You don’t understand how much that devastates me. He has till the end of March and then he is done. I seriously don’t know how I’m going to handle this change. I can’t deal with another change.
So the question arises, God, how much can I handle? How much crap are you going to send my way? I’m about to break. The anxiety is back in full force today just thinking of my boss not being here anymore. Why do I have to go through all this shit? To some losing a boss might not be a big deal but after what I’ve been though, especially my last boss, this is bad. I’m scared of what is going to happen when he leaves. I can’t deal with more unknowns. I’m just not sure if I can handle this on top of everything else on my own.
To give some back story first, I’ve struggled with bosses. I am a very easy person to get along with but every boss I have had has not respected me and valued me for me. They have all treated me like crap. The last job I left because of my boss. I figured my breaking point was when I took my lunch breaks to go cry in the Wal-Mart parking lot close by. He in essence was emotionally abusing me. I recently was able to talk to the women who took my place and she had the same issues with him. She said I could have sued for a hostile working environment because it really was that bad. They finally got a new HR person and fired him. It’s about time.
I felt so blessed to finally have a wonderful boss in my current job. He treats me with the respect that I deserve. We work well together and able to bounce ideas off each other. After dealing with all my other bosses, he was a breath of fresh air. Well I got news today that his job is being eliminated. You don’t understand how much that devastates me. He has till the end of March and then he is done. I seriously don’t know how I’m going to handle this change. I can’t deal with another change.
So the question arises, God, how much can I handle? How much crap are you going to send my way? I’m about to break. The anxiety is back in full force today just thinking of my boss not being here anymore. Why do I have to go through all this shit? To some losing a boss might not be a big deal but after what I’ve been though, especially my last boss, this is bad. I’m scared of what is going to happen when he leaves. I can’t deal with more unknowns. I’m just not sure if I can handle this on top of everything else on my own.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Never Gonna Be Alone
Lately I’ve been feeling alone. Yes, I have my husband, my friends, and my family but I’m still feeling alone in this situation. They can’t understand what I’m going through or really relate to it. Dealing with two miscarriages has been one of the worst things I’ve ever had to deal with. I’m so glad I have found all of you on the blogosphere. It makes me realize that I’m not the only one going through this and I truly am not alone.
Lately, when I hear the song “Never Gonna Be Alone” by Nickel Back, it brings me comfort. When I hear it I think of my angels and that they are with me and that when I’m feeling down and having a bad day, they aren’t going to let me fall. I feel like it’s my sign from them.
The first night in Disney, my husband and I went to Planet Hollywood. For any of you who have been there, it’s quite a place. There were TV’s everywhere playing the videos to music. We were having a nice dinner when I heard “Never Gonna Be Alone”. I do believe it was my angels saying hi to us and telling us to have a good time and that we will never be alone as they will always be in our lives even if they are in heaven above.
Hearing the song gave me goose bumps. For those of you who haven’t heard the song, here are the lyrics below.
"Never Gonna Be Alone" by NickelBack
Time, is going by, so much faster than I,And I'm starting to regret not spending all of it with you.Now I'm, wondering why, I've kept this bottled inside,So I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you.So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...
Never gonna be alone!From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,I won't let you fall...Never gonna be alone!I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.
And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands,'Cause forever I believe that there's nothing I could need but you,So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...
Never gonna be alone!From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,I won't let you fall.When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.We're gonna see the world out,
Oh!You've gotta live every single day,Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Don't let it slip away,Could be our only one, you know it's only just begun.Every single day,Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?Tomorrow never comes...
Time, is going by, so much faster than I,And I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you.So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...
Never gonna be alone!From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,I won't let you fall.When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.We're gonna see the world out,I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.
I'm gonna be there always,I won't be missing one more day,I'm gonna be there always,I won't be missing one more day.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Back to Reality
If only vacation could last forever. My hubby and I had a wonderful time despite the colder weather in FL. It was so wonderful to go back to WDW, my old stomping ground where I did a college internship for a semester. Being there brought back so many good memories. When I was back there I felt special again and appreciated and wanted. It’s not that I haven’t felt it lately but there is something about WDW that brings out some wonderful feelings in me.
We had a great time just being together and having fun. For 5 days I tried not to think about home life; about what’s going on with my body, the babies I lost, and work. I actually was anxiety free for my vacation. What a wonderful feeling that was.
We returned home Sunday night and I had yesterday off from work. And sure enough all the anxiety came back to me. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe it gets so bad. I was freaking out about everything and anything. I just don’t know how to control it. Reality is hurting me too much these days.
While we were in Disney the doctor called with my blood work results. All is normal. It’s crazy but I wanted something to be wrong. I want a reason why I’ve had two miscarriages. I’m so fearful that I will have the 3-D ultrasound in a month and there won’t be anything there; that what they saw was just pregnancy tissue. Than what? I need an answer. I’m so scared to not find anything and they tell us to try again. I don’t think I could handle going through another miscarriage. My heart and body can’t take it.
So I have to wait another month. I wait for my period and then have this test done between CD7 and CD14.
Please take me back to Disney where I didn’t feel my problems. All I felt was joy and happiness.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Today is harder than I thought…
I thought I would be ok today but I guess I was wrong. After putting on my make up this morning, the tears started to flow. All my emotions started to come out. I could feel my heart aching. I shouldn’t be going to work and having my period. I should be going to the hospital to meet my first born. Instead I’m in emotional pain.
When I woke this morning, I grabbed my watch to put on. I have had this watch for about 7 years now (probably more). It was a cheap watch I got at Wal-Mart but have loved it ever since. Just a simple Silver watch, nothing special. This morning I woke up to the glass face having a big crack in it. I’m not sure how it got there or why. Ever since losing Grace I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety issues. Along with that, anything bad that happens I feel like it’s a catastrophe. It’s not something I seem to be able to control these days. I started freaking out this morning that my watch had a crack and how would I be able to get a new one in time for our trip. I still wonder how it got there. And why of all days did the crack happen today? It might sound crazy but is it a sign from my angel Nathaniel above? I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly the sign is supposed to mean. Is there another watch out there he wants me to have, something with a greater meaning behind it? Is he telling me to stop thinking about time and live in the moment? Oh what are you trying to tell me Nathaniel?
During my lunch break I went to get my blood drawn. Not what I thought I would be doing on this day. The hospital is becoming too familiar to me these days. This is my fourth time having my blood drawn there. What’s another needle in my arm right? They took 4 viles. I can only hope it will lead to answers.
After I stopped by the chapel at the college I went to. It’s also where my hubby and I got married. I felt Nathaniel was pushing me to go. I went to have a few moments of quiet time. I wanted to pray for Nathaniel as well as ask for forgiveness. I’ve been upset with God ever since Grace left this world. I just don’t understand why he needs my children more than me? I feel God as called me to be a mother but he’s not allowing me that. I asked for forgiveness, guidance and strength to get me through the next few months as we figure out what is going on.
I felt I needed something as a “birthday gift” for Nathaniel. I stopped at the Hallmark store to find a little something (it was only $1.99). It is in the shape of coin and has a star and the words “A Wish for Baby”. Underneath reads: “Loved by your family and precious in God’s sight, I wish you his grace every day and night”. I wanted a little something for him and when I saw this it called me. He might not be my baby on earth but he is my angel baby and the saying fits perfectly what I wish for him.
I know I will get through the rest of the day but it just hurts. Tomorrow morning my hubby and I head to Disney World for 5 nights. We both need to get away. I’m looking forward to spending some quality time away from him and enjoying some fun. I could really use it.
I love you Nathaniel.
To Nathaniel
Nathaniel,
Today is the day we were going to meet you. You were supposed to be born today. I remember how I felt when I knew you were growing inside me. I was thrilled and loved you from the moment the pregnancy test read "Pregnant". I started imagining our life with you and how excited. Mommy and Daddy started instantly planning for your arrival.
Instead we had to say goodbye to you too early. My heart still hurts and I don't know if it will ever heal. I was so excited for this day, February 8, 2010. I remember I thought it seemed so far away. And now it is here and you are not.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I was blessed to have you in my life, even for a short period of time. You have your sister Grace, with you in heaven now, who came to join you in December. It gives me peace to know that you are together, protecting each other and watching out for each other. Oh how I wish things could have been different and both of you were here on earth with Mommy and Daddy right now.
I want you to know and never forget how much I love you and wanted you. I miss you so much - no words can express how much I miss you. I had a ring made with a birthstone for you and your sister, each representing the month in which we saw you on the ultrasound and also said goodbye. I look it at daily and am reminded of you and your sister, my angels in heaven.
February 8 will always hold a special place in my heart - the day we were supposed to meet you. I love you Nathaniel, with all of my heart.
Till we meet again....
Love you always,
Your Mom
Today is the day we were going to meet you. You were supposed to be born today. I remember how I felt when I knew you were growing inside me. I was thrilled and loved you from the moment the pregnancy test read "Pregnant". I started imagining our life with you and how excited. Mommy and Daddy started instantly planning for your arrival.
Instead we had to say goodbye to you too early. My heart still hurts and I don't know if it will ever heal. I was so excited for this day, February 8, 2010. I remember I thought it seemed so far away. And now it is here and you are not.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I was blessed to have you in my life, even for a short period of time. You have your sister Grace, with you in heaven now, who came to join you in December. It gives me peace to know that you are together, protecting each other and watching out for each other. Oh how I wish things could have been different and both of you were here on earth with Mommy and Daddy right now.
I want you to know and never forget how much I love you and wanted you. I miss you so much - no words can express how much I miss you. I had a ring made with a birthstone for you and your sister, each representing the month in which we saw you on the ultrasound and also said goodbye. I look it at daily and am reminded of you and your sister, my angels in heaven.
February 8 will always hold a special place in my heart - the day we were supposed to meet you. I love you Nathaniel, with all of my heart.
Till we meet again....
Love you always,
Your Mom
Saturday, February 6, 2010
On The Bright Side of Things
Today I started my period. Its my first normal period since losing Grace. I must admit I have mixed emotions. Its a slap in to the face reminding me that I'm no longer pregnant. Having a period after losing a baby can be depressing.
I'm trying to look at the positive points this time around. Having my period is making me feel some what normal again and that things still are working. It started on the last possible day so that I'm able to get my blood work done before leaving on our vacation. I'm so glad I will be able to get my blood taken and not have to wait another month like I was fearing. My doctor said I should have the tests results a week after its taken. As well I won't have to deal with my period my whole vacation. I can get the worst of it done before leaving.
I hate my period right now but I am thankful that it came when it did. It will put my mind at ease and hopefully I can enjoy my vacation. I don't want to my sadness and frustration and wondering what is wrong with me to ruin my vacation. My husband and I need this more than anything.
I'm trying to look at the positive points this time around. Having my period is making me feel some what normal again and that things still are working. It started on the last possible day so that I'm able to get my blood work done before leaving on our vacation. I'm so glad I will be able to get my blood taken and not have to wait another month like I was fearing. My doctor said I should have the tests results a week after its taken. As well I won't have to deal with my period my whole vacation. I can get the worst of it done before leaving.
I hate my period right now but I am thankful that it came when it did. It will put my mind at ease and hopefully I can enjoy my vacation. I don't want to my sadness and frustration and wondering what is wrong with me to ruin my vacation. My husband and I need this more than anything.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Guess what….
…I have to wait. I’m so sick of waiting especially since I’m an impatient person. I feel like it’s been a constant waiting game since June 2009. We found out we were pregnant, waited for the ultrasound, waited a week for another to see if he grew, waited 2 months for my body to heal after a D&C, etc. You get the jest. Well the doctor told me to wait; what a fricken surprise.
He looked at the photo from the sonohystogram and thinks it’s either a polyp or left over pregnancy tissue. He wants me to wait to have two normal cycles before proceeding. If it is pregnancy tissue he hopes in that time my body would get rid of it. After two cycles I will have a 3D sonogram to see exactly what is going on. By then I will be able to have blood taken to see if there is anything going on there.
Needless to say I’m still frustrated because I don’t have answers. I don’t know why my two dear babies had to leave this world so early. Why is this happening? I want to know why and how to fix it. But I guess I have to wait another 1 ½ months. Is it so wrong to want answers?
My hubby is taking me to WDW and we leave Tuesday. It couldn’t come at a better time. I need to get away from all my problems for even a few days and just feel normal, if that is even possible.
He looked at the photo from the sonohystogram and thinks it’s either a polyp or left over pregnancy tissue. He wants me to wait to have two normal cycles before proceeding. If it is pregnancy tissue he hopes in that time my body would get rid of it. After two cycles I will have a 3D sonogram to see exactly what is going on. By then I will be able to have blood taken to see if there is anything going on there.
Needless to say I’m still frustrated because I don’t have answers. I don’t know why my two dear babies had to leave this world so early. Why is this happening? I want to know why and how to fix it. But I guess I have to wait another 1 ½ months. Is it so wrong to want answers?
My hubby is taking me to WDW and we leave Tuesday. It couldn’t come at a better time. I need to get away from all my problems for even a few days and just feel normal, if that is even possible.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Good News
I called my doctor this morning as I still hadn’t heard anything about an appointment being made for the fertility specialist. They were able to get an appointment for me for tomorrow at 1:30pm! The next available appointment wasn’t till March 15 so I’m very thankful to get in tomorrow. I’m not one to wait. It’s just a consultation tomorrow but I’m so glad to get this process going. My hope is that we set up a game plan for the next few months. I need a game plan to get me through the coming weeks. I’m so glad it’s before our trip too. I’m in dire need of answers.
Will let you know how it goes.
Monday, February 1, 2010
One Week
A week from today would have been Nathaniel’s EDD. I can’t help but wonder what might have been. I can’t help but think if he was just about ready to be born, where would our lives be right now? I can’t help but miss him so much right now. If only….
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