I thought I would be ok today but I guess I was wrong. After putting on my make up this morning, the tears started to flow. All my emotions started to come out. I could feel my heart aching. I shouldn’t be going to work and having my period. I should be going to the hospital to meet my first born. Instead I’m in emotional pain.
When I woke this morning, I grabbed my watch to put on. I have had this watch for about 7 years now (probably more). It was a cheap watch I got at Wal-Mart but have loved it ever since. Just a simple Silver watch, nothing special. This morning I woke up to the glass face having a big crack in it. I’m not sure how it got there or why. Ever since losing Grace I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety issues. Along with that, anything bad that happens I feel like it’s a catastrophe. It’s not something I seem to be able to control these days. I started freaking out this morning that my watch had a crack and how would I be able to get a new one in time for our trip. I still wonder how it got there. And why of all days did the crack happen today? It might sound crazy but is it a sign from my angel Nathaniel above? I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly the sign is supposed to mean. Is there another watch out there he wants me to have, something with a greater meaning behind it? Is he telling me to stop thinking about time and live in the moment? Oh what are you trying to tell me Nathaniel?
During my lunch break I went to get my blood drawn. Not what I thought I would be doing on this day. The hospital is becoming too familiar to me these days. This is my fourth time having my blood drawn there. What’s another needle in my arm right? They took 4 viles. I can only hope it will lead to answers.
After I stopped by the chapel at the college I went to. It’s also where my hubby and I got married. I felt Nathaniel was pushing me to go. I went to have a few moments of quiet time. I wanted to pray for Nathaniel as well as ask for forgiveness. I’ve been upset with God ever since Grace left this world. I just don’t understand why he needs my children more than me? I feel God as called me to be a mother but he’s not allowing me that. I asked for forgiveness, guidance and strength to get me through the next few months as we figure out what is going on.
I felt I needed something as a “birthday gift” for Nathaniel. I stopped at the Hallmark store to find a little something (it was only $1.99). It is in the shape of coin and has a star and the words “A Wish for Baby”. Underneath reads: “Loved by your family and precious in God’s sight, I wish you his grace every day and night”. I wanted a little something for him and when I saw this it called me. He might not be my baby on earth but he is my angel baby and the saying fits perfectly what I wish for him.
I know I will get through the rest of the day but it just hurts. Tomorrow morning my hubby and I head to Disney World for 5 nights. We both need to get away. I’m looking forward to spending some quality time away from him and enjoying some fun. I could really use it.
I love you Nathaniel.
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