Sharing my Love

I’m having a hard time balancing my love for my angels verses Peanut. I love Peanut more than anything right now. But I am afraid if I love Peanut too much, Nathaniel and Grace in spirit will be hurt. I still miss them dearly and think about them a lot. I still wonder what might have been. I know that if they didn’t go to heaven, Peanut wouldn’t be here. And I wouldn’t want to take Peanut away. I know I need to just accept things as they are. For some reason, God needed N&G more than I did. And now he has brought Peanut into our life. I have to accept the road I have been given, and continue to have the strength to tackle the bumps along the way.

I’ve discussed with my hubby already that I want to have a special piece of art in the baby’s room. It’s something I need to do for myself emotionally. Depending on what theme we ending up doing, if its butterflies or frogs, I want to have a piece of art with either two frogs or two butterflies. I want to have N and G written on them somewhere. I feel Nathaniel and Grace need to have a place in the room. It was supposed to be there room. I also see it as a piece of art watching over Peanut as he/she grows up someday. I want this baby to know about them. I want N & G to know that they are not forgotten and always here with us.

I’m still not sure if I want to have something custom made or buy something off the shelf. All I know is I want it to be special. I want it to represent the beauty of what they would have become. I want them to have a place in that room even though they are not here in body. Being pregnant after two losses isn’t easy. I’m finding that more and more apparent each day.