Peanut is a Kicker

This past week I finally got those swift kicks I’ve been waiting for. Every one of them I feel brings a smile to my face, even the ones at 2 am when I’m trying to fall back asleep. He is kicking hard enough that my husband can feel him from the outside. I can even see my belly moving. I can only imagine what his kicking is going to be like as he gets bigger and bigger. I am cherishing every moment of it though. His kicking brings me such comfort. I’m not as obsessed anymore with taking out the Doppler.

My husband and I leave Saturday for our baby moon! Once we found out that Peanut was going to stick around, we decided we really wanted to go on a nice vacation. We figured it will probably be the last for just the two of us for awhile. We will be spending a week at a Sandals resort in Antigua. We are just hoping the hurricanes stay away so we can enjoy our time together. I’m so looking forward to just getting away and relaxing.

We are having a.......

.....Little Boy! Mr. Peanut is now what he will be called!

And to think I thought it was a girl the whole time. I don’t know if I’m going to listen to my intuition anymore! Needless to say, my husband and I are so excited. All we wanted was a healthy baby, no matter what the sex was.

Mr. Peanut was very active and our doctor had a hard time getting measurements at first. Everything she checked looked perfect. I started to breathe a sigh of relief. We hadn’t wanted to do any testing prior to this appointment and then questioned of what if something was wrong. Needless to say, from what she saw he is perfectly healthy.

I feel so blessed right now. My little boy is our true miracle. And yes we have a name picked out but that is going to remain a secret until our little miracle is born.

Here are some photos!!

That is definitely a boy part!!

We caught him sucking his thumb (taking after his mom as a baby).

Peanut's big feet (taking after his daddy's)

The Sweater

When I was pregnant with Nathaniel, I had purchased a purple sweater from Old Navy. It wasn’t anything special. It was a non-maternity sweater but I bought it as it was very roomy in the belly and was looking forward to wearing it when my belly got bigger. It was the first piece of clothing I had bought for what would be my changing body.

When we lost Nathaniel, I couldn’t look at it anymore so I put it in our guest bedroom closet. Seeing it reminded me of what I had lost. When we got pregnant again with Grace, I thought, ok this time I can wear it again. The sweater never came out of the closet with Grace.

Yesterday, I finally took this sweater out and wore it to a conference at my work. To most, it was just another piece of clothing. To me, it was a symbol of hope. It was a symbol of how far I have come. When I was using the restroom at the conference, I started tearing up. I’ve wanted so long to be able to wear this item of clothing with a miracle growing inside of me. And I finally got the change yesterday, a chance I’ve been wanting for so long.

I never knew wearing just a simple article of clothing would be so emotional and hold such meaning to me.

20 Weeks

Today is my 20 week mark - we are half way there to meeting this miracle. I'm still in shock that we've made it this far. It doesn't feel real. I am cherishing every single movement of having Peanut with me. I know how quickly it can be taken away.

I'm still having anxiety about this pregnancy. I came home this past Thursday and told my husband I feel like I should be feeling Peanut move more. I am almost 20 weeks. He calmed me down and asked if I wanted to hear the heartbeat. Sure enough the heartbeat was around 150bpm. I'm so thankful for my husband to have been there to calm me down. I am feeling Peanut moving but maybe not as much as I had anticipated. I'm trying my best to be patient. Its just hard to not have that anxiety creep up on me.

August 31st can not get here soon enough. I want to see Peanut again to ensure he/she is growing properly. I am also very excited to find out the sex.

Here is a photo of my belly at 20 weeks. I've always had a flat stomach so this is big for me.

Daycares

My husband and I already had our names down for one daycare but yesterday we started to actually go visit the places. It’s overwhelming to say the least. My husband said it’s like looking for a college. I can say I completely agree.

I want to make sure we pick a place that Peanut will be taken care of. I know leaving him/her daily especially in the first few months is going to be very difficult for me. Peanut will be with me constantly for 9 months before that. To leave our baby in someone else’s hands is scary.

And daycares book fast! One center was already booked at least through June. I told my husband I’m kicking myself because we should have started earlier. But you know what, I was scared to start earlier for fear that this baby won’t make it. We had put our name down right away when we found out about Nathaniel and then we had to call them up to explain. I was so fearful to do that again.

Sunday will mark 20 weeks; the halfway point. I’m looking forward to August 31st when we get to check on Peanut again. I want to make sure Peanut is continuing to develop. I still have fear. I always will.

Meltdown this Weekend

This weekend we went to family reunions on both side of my husband’s family. I was doing so well and feeling so blessed to have Peanut with me. Than on Sunday my wound opened up again.

We were at my husband’s aunt’s house where I had previously had a melt down during a family gathering at Christmas. It was right after I had lost Grace. I felt like this time was going to be different. I was in a different place and on the way to bringing Peanut into this world. But being pregnant can only cover up your wounds for so long.

My husband’s brother and sister-in-law were there with their three children. They are beautiful children don’t get wrong. Their youngest is 3 months old. The difficult thing was we found out they were expecting again with their youngest a month after we had lost Nathaniel. The news hurt. It was like a knife going through my heart.

Well everyone was oohing and aahing over her. And they have every right to, I know that. I was ok for awhile and then Nathaniel and Grace entered my mind. One of them should have been at that party. Everyone should have wanted to hold them. The tears started to weld up and I knew I had to get away from the situation. I went to the bathroom and let the tears flow. I felt like my wounds were opening up all over again. The pain, sadness and anger was coming out. I had to get a handle on myself as I was supposed to be all happy at this party. I finally pulled it together and went to talk to my husband. He had to know what I was feeling. I gained my composure the best I could to get through the rest of the afternoon.

Yes I’m pregnant and everyone there knew it, but I’m still dealing with the sadness of losing my two angels and I don’t think they know that and understand that. Just because I have Peanut with me, doesn’t mean there is still this emptiness in my heart. This is not an easy journey.

Is that you Peanut?

The past few days I’ve been feeling more of these bubbles popping in my lower abdomen. It happens a lot in the morning when I’m sitting at my desk at work. At first I didn’t think anything of it and didn’t want to read too much into it. But I’m beginning to think that maybe just maybe it is Peanut moving in there. I got a few of them that were stronger yesterday and I took some time to just feel what was going on. I must say I had a smile on my face sitting at my desk. It’s a big change from so many days sitting here with tears in my eyes.

We listened to Peanut’s heartbeat last night. It was around 150bpm again. Hearing it once a week brings me comfort (and I think it brings my husband comfort as well). I can’t wait until the movement is more substantial so I know that he/she is ok in there.

Sunday will mark 18 weeks. Time is starting to go by really fast. It’s hard to believe we are half way there. It still amazes me that we’ve made it this far and for that I’m forever grateful. So many days I had doubts. I know that Nathaniel and Grace are watching over Peanut right now. They are Peanut’s special guardian angels. I know they are watching over my husband and I too as we continue on this journey that can be difficult at times.

Hope you all have a nice weekend. We are headed to Plymouth NH for some family reunions on my husband’s side. It should be a good time and nice to get away for a while. I haven’t seen his dad and step mom since Thanksgiving so this trip is long overdue.