Before I get into what I’m really feeling, wanted to let you know I pass the Glucose test! My doctor’s office wanted anything below 115 and I came in at 109. I was very relived and happy to say the least! Peanut’s heartbeat was around 150 bpm again which was comforting!
Last night I watch my soap opera (Young and the Restless). It’s my time in the evening to just sit back and relax. Yesterday episode hit a little too close to home for me. Victoria, who was about 7 weeks pregnant starting getting pain in her abdomen. She went to the doctor to find a fetus but no heartbeat. The emotions started for me and the tears started to fall. It took me back to those difficult days last year. I remembered exactly how it felt and how numb I was. How I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I made it mostly through the show until the end when she went home and told her husband she just wanted to be held. A stream of tears came down. All I wanted to do when I found out we lost our two precious babies was just hope someone could take all the pain away. I took my ring off I had made with their birthstones, kissed it and told my babies how much I loved them and missed them terribly.
Today I had to answer some health questions over the phone so my husband and I can finally get some life insurance. Of course my miscarriages came up. I felt tears welding up telling her. It still hurts. She wanted to know when I had my D&C’s. Having to tell her and go back to that awful time and to know the exact day of each was difficult. My two babies will always be part of my past and I know over time it will be easier to talk about that time. But for now, it hurts and if I need to cry, well I need to cry. Pregnancy hormones are not helping the situation.
Nathaniel and Grace – know I love you and still think of you daily. Saying goodbye to you was so difficult for me and today it still is. I know you are watching over me, your daddy and Peanut. We all love you.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I hate reminders like that :( And I am so sick of having to say what number pregnancy this is for me and how many pregnancies I've had and how far they all DIDN'T make it every time I go somewhere new. Can't it just be permanently in my file?! "Yup, our first baby, but fourth pregnancy. Thanks for making me feel AWESOME!"
ReplyDeleteAnyways, just wanted to let you know I feel your pain. Big hugs!
No matter how much time has passed, it still hurts - maybe a little less each time but the pain is always there. It is part of us forever but new experiences and hopes will help in the healing. big hugs!
ReplyDelete