Progress

I’m not going to lie. This is a place I need to be honest with myself. Friday was tough. I cried myself to sleep. I cried in the bathroom at work. I felt like a horrible mother. How can I be feeling this way?


I woke up Saturday and tried to remain positive. I tried to look at it differently. I’m blessed to have a healthy baby. We’ve been through so much. He might not be a girl but he is healthy. And that is what matters. I tried to get back to that place where I appreciated every little movement or kick I was feeling.

Saturday night I went to the mall by myself after Liam went to bed. I bought Sweetpea his very own blanket, some onesies and some jammies that he could come home in from the hospital. I passed the little girls section, took a look, shed a few tears and told myself it wasn’t meant to be and to move ahead. Not easy to do but I did it. For some reason I am not meant to have a little girl though I’m still trying to accept that concept. It felt good buying Sweetpea something just for him. I know he will be so precious and I’m going to love him beyond words. He is a miracle.

Today a co-worker from a different office came back to work after maternity leave. She just had a boy and already has a little girl. She told me she wasn’t happy when she found out she was having a boy. That led into me sharing what I was feeling and her giving me more details of what it was like for her. It felt good to talk to someone that has endured what I’m feeling right now. I’m thankful to have someone that I can talk to and it reminds me what I’m feeling is normal and I’m not a bad mother. I will get through this. I am reminded every day is a new day.

Sweetpea – Momma’s loves you and always will. You just weren’t what I expected at first but that’s ok. You are my miracle and always will be. I can’t wait to meet you in a few short months and kiss you on your head and tell you how excited I am to have you here. Till then, grow baby and keep kicking me to remind me the blessing I have received.