We took a PG Test on 1/22/13

And it showed “Pregnant”. I’m in shock. My husband and I are both a bit taken aback. We’ve gotten pregnant quickly before but thought maybe this time it would take a bit. We want this; we are just surprised at how quickly it happened.


I’m beyond excited. I’m ready to be a mother again. Liam will be 3 months shy of 3 years if/when this baby is born. My due date is October 2.

But I’m scared. There are so many what ifs running through my head. What if this one doesn’t stick? What if I lose this baby? I can’t and won’t go through that again. Why can’t a “Pregnant” reading mean you get to take that baby home with you? If only that were true.

The next few weeks are critical for us based on experience. Our first ultrasound is on 2/26 and I will be 8 weeks 6 days. We have to get past that first hurdle. How scared I am. 2/26 seems so far away right now.

We are keeping this private for now. We’ve only told my parents. And I had to share on here as I need a place to share what thoughts are going through my head. I need some support.

Please pray for this baby that we may be able to see his/her beautiful face in October.

Liam is 2 Today and Our first 2WW

It’s been awhile since I’ve written on here. And today seemed like the perfect time to update.

My precious little miracle turned two today. How is that possible? It’s amazing how fast two years can go by. We are having a birthday party tomorrow for him at our new house, completed with 8 kids and 19 adults including us. It’s going to be a full house but I’m looking forward to it. We’ve invited grandparents, his godparents, along with 4 friends from Liam’s school. It’s all the close people in his life and I felt they should all be there. Liam’s life is precious and I wanted those important people in his life to be there to celebrate.

Liam is a spunky little kid. He loves to drum still (since 9 months old). He is into fire trucks and tractors. Let’s just say he is all boy! And he never stops moving, unless he is napping which is challenging on the weekends. He’s picking up new words every day. And boy is he smart! It’s amazing to watch him grow up and change. I was looking at baby photos of him and it’s hard to remember him at that age. He is such a little man these days. Despite the challenging times and those temper tantrums, I reminded that I would deal with those all day because he truly is a blessing.

And our other news, we are in our first 2WW. We had initially wanted to start trying this summer but the house situation took over. I really wanted to be settled into a home before trying again. I wanted to fully participate in moving. So here we are again. If my period comes, it should be here on Wednesday.

I know my body pretty well so I’m trying to really listen to it this past week. But at the same time, am I listening too hard and is it all in my head?

I’ve had some symptoms. I had a sore throat on Tuesday and Wednesday and a stuffy nose since then. I’ve had a lot of gurgling in my belly since Monday. This morning I was brushing my teeth and spit out some blood. My stomach was off this morning. My boobs hurt a bit. But am I just wishing for these symptoms?

I’m trying not to think about it but I can’t help it. You obsess about it in the 2WW. I’m trying to focus on Liam’s party this weekend and then see what next week brings.

I hope all is well with all of you in the blogosphere. I still try and read blogs when I can. I think this place might be my safe haven one again. I need a place to share my anxiety about the road ahead.

Housing Update

Time is flying as always. It’s sad to say the summer is over with.


We are all doing well. Liam is a handful but I’m so thankful for that! He is still obsessed with drumming. He is saying more and more words daily. Yesterday I asked him what a cow said and he said “Moo”. It made my heart melt to hear that. It’s the little things I so appreciate. To know he is absorbing the world around him and growing and thriving. Sometimes I’m amazed that my husband and I have created this amazing human being.

So on to a housing update. On May 25th we went under contract for our forever home. It seriously was everything we wanted at a great price. The people we were buying from wanted a bigger house (and hadn’t found anything yet) but still put their house on the market. So we waited. We gave them 1 month to find a house. In that month they thought they had found a house but then decided against it b/c it was for a For Sale by Owner. They found another house but it was too close to the boat access. So we gave them another 2 weeks to find something. They found a rental but it was on a cliff. So we gave them another month. They investigated a new build but the land they wanted wasn’t even for sale. And they only wanted to stay in one town. As of August 17th, they decided to pull their house off the market. We were left high and dry. It has been an emotional roller coaster.

So many times during those 84 days of waiting for them, the emotions of my miscarriages came back to haunt me. We had found our dream home, had envisioned living there, what we were going to paint the walls, only to have it pulled from under us. It was out of our control. That’s how I felt when I lost Nathaniel and Grace. We had so many hopes and dreams for them, only to have them taken away from me. It sucks.

I’m still bitter about losing the house. I hate how they dragged us along. We even found a buyer for our house and had to let that person go. These people wasted our time. It makes me mad. I’m trying to let go but it’s hard when you have your mind set on something.

We had found another house we were potentially interested in but then discovered that the owners were under investigation. A few days later a lien was put on their house. We walked away….it wasn’t worth it.

So we are building a new house. I am excited, but still not as excited as if we were to be moving into our dream home. It’s not the ideal location but still in the town we want to stay in. We are actually using the plans from our dream home with a few modifications. The goal is to be in our house before Christmas. We are so ready. I’m mostly looking forward to having more space for Liam to play and grow as he gets older. Our condo is getting cramped!

It’s been a journey, as everything seems to be in life but I think we have found the path we were supposed to go down. I can’t wait to be in our new home and hopefully work on expanding our family. We are ready for another baby but want to be settled into our new house (and hopefully I will be less stressed by then). I’m starting my prenatals vitamins and my folic acid. I want it in my system for a while. I only hope our next pregnancy is smooth. I’m scared, very scared. But if we don’t try we will never know. Sometimes you just have to trust.

18 Months

(Liam on July 4th)

How is my precious little boy going to be 18 months on Wednesday? Where does the time go? He is growing so fast. So many days I just want to stop time and take it all in.

We have had a lot of fun times already this summer. We bought him his first pool and he absolutely loves it. I’m not surprised! He stays in until his lips are blue. It seems to be a recurring event that after nap time on the weekends its pool time!

We took him to our town parade on July 4th. He loved it! He was so into all the trucks, especially the fire trucks. They handed out flags and he held on to it the whole time flying it around. I can only imagine how much fun we will have next year!

We’ve started talking about having another baby. Right now we are in the midst of moving (hopefully). Two words to describe our situation = Housing Drama. I’m hoping it all works out and we can be in our forever home. Once we are settled we hope to start trying again.

The thought of trying again scares the crap out of me. What if I have another miscarriage? How would I be able to deal with that especially with taking care of a toddler? I know we want another child but that doesn’t take away all the fear I have of getting there. There are so many unknowns and what ifs. I try not to think about them and just enjoy my precious time with Liam right now. I’m grateful every day to have him in my life. To see him laugh, learn new words and grow into a little man makes me smile with happiness.

July 22nd will be 3 years since we lost Nathaniel, our first baby. So much has happened in 3 years. I still miss him but it doesn’t hurt as much. He always will hold a special place in my heart.

I hope you all are enjoying your summer!



It's Been Awhile...

(Liam in his wagon!)

Has it really been almost 4 months since I’ve written a post? Time sure does fly.

We are all doing well. Liam is walking like crazy and getting smarter every day. One of his favorite things to do is after eating yogurt for breakfast in the morning is throwing the container away. He goes right to the trash can so I can open it for him. We were afraid he would just throw anything away but he is good about only throwing “trash”. And if any of the doors are slightly open, he has to shut them. I think he might be a little bit of neat freak like his mother!

Liam is a drummer. He drums on anything. Anything he gets his hands on he shakes to see if it will make noise. My husband and I are not musical at all so it’s very interesting to see this characteristic in him. At his school they have a gathering drum and I guess he is quite obsessed with it. I’ve been taking him to story hour at our local library and after they bring out a box of musical instruments. He could sit there and play with them all day!

Liam is still sleeping through the night (thank God!). He has been since 9 months. He goes to bed at 6:30 and is up about 7am or so. He did have one night where he freaked out and my husband and I had to calm him down for awhile. I think he had a bad dream. He is down to one nap now and sleeps 1-1 ½ hours during that time.

This kid has an appetite. You can’t put enough food in front of him. He would probably want to eat all day if I would let him. At snack time at school, his teachers say he is normally the last one to leave the table. He needs to make sure all the food is gone! Some of his favorite foods: waffle, sweet potato, grapes, cheese, black beans, ice cream, peanut butter and jelly, yogurt and crackers. And that’s just to name a few!

I still can’t believe my little boy is 16 months. Where does the time go? We have had a lot of nice family time recently. I try and take a moment to appreciate all that I have. I know I’m blessed to have this little miracle in my life. I hope he knows how special he is.

I hope all is well with all of you. I still read blogs when I have the chance.



A Change Today

Today turned into a big day for me I guess you could say. Today is the first time since having Liam that I didn’t take my pump to work. I made the decision yesterday, no more pumping.


My supply is diminishing a lot recently. Yesterday I pumped for 15 minutes at work and only got ½ ounce. My thought, is this really worth it?

This weekend I started introducing whole milk to in his bottles of formula. He seems to be taking them just fine. I’m hoping within the next few weeks he will be having whole milk all the time.

How am I feeling about not pumping anymore? A sense of relief that I am not tied down to it and having to take it everywhere with me. A sense of accomplishment that I’m so proud of myself for going this long. And a sense of sadness, that this chapter of my life is done for now. Who knew putting a pump away would trigger so many emotions.

I will still nurse Liam morning and night as long as he wants to. I’m not ready to end that. He still enjoys it and honestly so do I. I cherish the bond we have been able to form.

Taking this step today was big for me. But it also reminded me of how blessed I’ve been. Nursing has been relatively easy for me. He had issues latching correctly at first. But other than that, it’s been a pleasant experience. I’m thankful my body was able to produce for my child.

I will be packing the pump up and putting it in the closet. I only pray I’m able to take it out again down the road.

Liam Turns 1 Today!

It’s hard to believe a year ago today I was in the hospital on Pitocin, anxiously awaiting the arrival of Liam. His birth didn’t go the way I had hoped, but he was healthy and in the end that was all that mattered to me.


I remember lying on the operating table and hearing him cry. I breathed a sigh of relief and also shed a few tears myself. He was ok and he was finally born into this world. I had waited so long for that day. I remember seeing his face for the first time and then looking at my husband and saying, “he’s cute!” I remember nursing him for the first time, about 30 minutes after he was born and they had me wheeled to the recovery room. I couldn’t feel my lower half, I was still shaking from all the hormones, but my son latched on like a champ. I couldn’t have been more happy. I remember that first night he was sleeping next to me and I couldn’t sleep. I kept laying there just staring at him and wondering to myself if it was real. We had waited so long for this day.

What a year it has been. We have had our challenges, mainly sleep deprivation. But we have had some amazing moments as well. Seeing him crawl the first time, his first smile, his first laugh. I am so blessed to be his mother. I am thankful everyday for the gift of him in my life. He truly is my miracle and I’m reminded of that every day.

Happy 1st Birthday Liam. I love you so much and am so thankful to have you as my son.