Growing Peanut!

I’m crying but its happy tears. This is finally going to happen for us. Peanut had a strong heartbeat of 158bpm. We had an external ultrasound this time which didn’t give us quite as good a shot but you can definitely see the heart beating and how big Peanut has gotten. She took a measurement and the baby was measuring at 13 weeks (I’m 12weeks 3 days today). But she said the baby stretches so +/- 5 days is normal.

I really never thought this would be possible when we are at some of the lowest points in our journey. This baby means the world to me and to be honest it doesn’t feel real yet.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I am determined that Peanut is going to stay around.

I will try and post a photo later this week!

Anxious

I’m anxious for tomorrow. Tomorrow morning we get to see Peanut again. I’m sure everything is fine but the fear is still there. The fear of what if we don’t see a heartbeat or that the baby hasn’t grown. I’m trying my best to remain positive. I will be 12 weeks 3 days tomorrow.

Oh how I’ve gotten attached to this little person already. I have so many dreams for this baby. If all goes well we will finally start sharing the news with our extended family. I will finally not have to hide my belly at work anymore. And I do have a little belly already has I’m only 5’3” tall and short-waisted so there isn’t much room for this baby.

I will let you all know how tomorrow goes. I’m praying everything goes as smoothly as the last two appointments have gone.

How Fragile Life Is

I can’t stop thinking about Jo and what she must be going through. There are so many blogs I’m following were they are miscarrying and it breaks my heart. Why has God given us this difficult path?

Hearing all the sadness around me makes me cherish this baby that much more but at the same time I’m fearful. I’m so fearful of losing this baby. I know the odds are in our favor but that doesn’t guarantee anything. That fear will always be there. Until I hold this baby in my arms, I will always have this fear.

After what all my blogging friends are going through it reminds me yet again how fragile life is; how quickly it can be taken away. It hurts to know that so many woman out there get pregnant easily and carry the baby to term but don’t appreciate it like we do that have dealt with so much heartache. Life is precious. Life is a miracle. Life is a gift from God. I only wish everyone in this world with see life as this.

I wish there was an easy way to take all this heartache away from all of us. We will get through the difficult times because we have each other. I’m saying an extra prayer today for all of you out there going through a rough time. And also for all those babies growing inside that they may continue to grow strong and healthy to make their way into this world.

One Week

Until we get to see Peanut again. Time just can’t move fast enough right now. I want to see this baby again and know everything is still going ok. I want to see how big he/she has gotten. I want to be able to breathe just a little easier know that by the time we see Peanut it will almost be 13 weeks.

I’m still amazed we have made it this far. So many days I never thought this would actually happen to us. I want Peanut to know that he/she is our little miracle and to know how much we wanted him/her before they were even created. I have never wanted anything more – than to be a mother.

I know I just have to get through this week. My hubby and I are going to NH for the weekend so it will be good to get away for a little bit and not think about things.

Can’t wait to see you, Peanut. Oh how loved you already are.

On a side note, my favorite food to eat right now at any time of the day; cucumbers and seasoned rice vinegar. I guess you could say it’s my version of pickles. I’ve always liked this combo but right now I’m a little obsessed with it. The other night at 9:30 I was hungry and thought, ooh, cucumbers and vinegar! I guess it could be worse right?

All - please keep Jo in your prayers. She went to the doctor yesterday and there was no heartbeat. I can’t stop thinking about her this morning. My heart aches knowing what she is going through. This journey we are all on isn’t fair. Please visit her blog and show your support. I'm saying an extra prayer today that she is given comfort during this difficult time.

Doppler Suggestions?

My husband and I have briefly discussed buying an in-home doppler so we can listen to the babies heartbeat at home. I feel this would bring me some comfort between appointments until I can start to feel Peanut moving.

Since I've never used one before, if you have, can you let me know which brand you are using/have used?

Thanks Ladies! Any insight you have would be greatly appreciated!!

Battling Time

I seem to be doing this a lot these days. After having two miscarriages, I know that every day I have Peanut inside of me is a blessing. I am trying to cherish every single day. But at the same time, I want time to move faster so I know that this baby is safe and my risk of miscarriage is minimal. I so want to get to the 13 week mark. I know that doesn’t guarantee anything but it’s a good start. I also need to be thankful that I’ve made it this far. Sunday marks 11 weeks. I really can’t believe that’s true. Time has been a struggle but looking back it’s going fast.

I just want this baby more than anything. I want to know Peanut is safe. I want to know that this time it is going to work out. If only I had such powers. We see Peanut again on June 30th where I will be 12 weeks 3 days. The day can’t get here fast enough. I want to know that this baby is fine. I’m definitely still feeling pregnant but I want more reassurance. I’ve always said to take “one day at a time”. I think I need to use this motto more than anything right now.

Have a nice weekend ladies! We are going to our friend’s wedding tomorrow. I am wearing a baggier dress to cover my little bump. Even though I want to show it off as I’m so proud of this baby, I know its best right now.

A Big Step for Me Today

I took a big step today. I went into a Motherhood Maternity store. I've been so scared to enter for fear of losing this baby. But my last two appointments have given me hope. I went in for one thing, a belly band. My pants are getting a little snug and thought it would hold me over for a little while. I felt I couldn't look at the other clothes yet. I didn't feel ready to take that step. Walking into the store was big enough for me.

The cashier took all my information. For a moment I was hesitant to give it to her. What if this baby didn't make it? She asked if it was my first, and I hesitantly said yes even though I knew in my heart that wasn't the truth. This is my third and always will be. Nathaniel and Grace will never be replaced.

Me going into the store represented to me that I have faith that I will meet this baby come January. I want this baby to know that its mom believes in him/her. I'm glad I took this step though deep down I'm scared if maybe it was too early.

My main reason I went to the mall was to buy some baggier shirts. I've always had a flat stomach but that is defnitely starting to change. Since we don't want to tell people for another few weeks I thought I would get some less form fitting shirts. I tried a bunch on and just felt like I was hiding something. To tell you the truth, I don't want to hide this baby growing inside of me. My husband and I have gone through so much to get here, why would I want to hide this miracle? I never thought trying to find baggy shirts would be so emotional for me. I didn't come home with any shirts. For some reason it didn't feel right. This baby means the world to me and I don't want to cover that up.

I wasn't anticipating this trip to the mall would be so emotional. I'm encountering new territory and trying to figure out how to handle it. But I know for now I have this little person with me and we are going to get through it together. And that brings me comfort.