Jealously

I hate being jealous but lately it’s something I can’t control. The past few weeks, all around me I feel there are pregnant women or newborn babies.

Before I lost our baby I used to look at it as a beautiful thing. Now, all I feel is jealously as to why they are pregnant and not me. I think it’s been more difficult lately as I would be 25 weeks or so now. I would be showing and able to share with the world my joy. I would know if I was having a boy or a girl. Unfortunately I will never get that chance with my first.

My mom and I went to a local craft fair this past Saturday. I ran into one of my former co-workers. We both left the company we worked for. When I was having problems there with my boss she was always someone I could tell my thoughts to and she was there to listen. She asked how I was and what was going on with me. All I could think about was, “I lost a baby.” That is what is consuming my thoughts these days. But who wants to hear that. So, I kept it to myself. Smiled, nodded and said everything was great and walked on. I think it hurt so much because if we hadn’t have lost our baby, she would have seen a belly and been so thrilled for us.

When we were there I also saw a lot of young pregnant women. I saw them and just tried to look away and move on. I told myself it’s not our time yet. God has a plan for us; I just wish I knew what it was. I went home and tried to not think about what I saw earlier that day. I thought I had forgotten until I took it out on my husband. God love him for supporting me. It was something that on the outside I wasn’t going to let me bother me, but deep down seeing those pregnant ladies was killing me.

I know I will get past it and learn to get over this jealously. On a blog I read, I got a different perspective that I’m trying to use when seeing pregnant women. I don’t know what those women went through to get there. They might have lost a baby before then. They might have gone through hell to get to where they are today. The might not have had an easy road. And for that, I know I need to still look at pregnancy as a beautiful thing in each woman. I will have my time. I will be pregnant one day and do I want someone to be jealous of me? We all have different roads to go down to have a child. Some unfortunately are more treacherous than others. I hope that by going down that road, I will be stronger and a more loving mother when it’s my time in the end.

Till then, I’m going to try to do my best to put this jealously aside.