Life

Life is better than the last time I wrote.  I’ve been on Zoloft for almost 2 months now and it’s been helping so much.  I feel like myself again.  I did up the dose a bit a few weeks ago as I definitely think there is room for improvement but I’m in a much better place now.

We started Logan on solids right at 6 months (April 1^st) and that’s been helping his sleep a great deal.  Since then he’s been a sleeping a longer chunk of time and only waking up once to eat.  He will go to bed about 7:30 and be up between 2:30 and 4:30 to eat and then back to bed till 7ish.  I know this has allowed me to get a lot more sleep which has helped my mood as well.

I’m glad I went to get help.  If I didn’t I don’t know where I would be right now.  I finally shared with my husband how bad it had gotten.  One night at 2am, during the time when Logan would wake every 2 hours, I was sitting in bed frustrated that I couldn’t sleep but yet I was so tired.  I had thought of getting in the car and driving it into the Lake.  I remembered it was frozen so probably wouldn’t accomplish much.  But my mind went there.  It’s really scary looking back on it now.  I so wanted to run away from everything.  It was a really dark place for me.  I don’t want to go there again, ever.

I don’t plan to get off Zoloft anytime soon.  I don’t want to be on it forever but I still need it for now.  There are some stressful situations going on at work too.  For now I need it to keep me in this ok place.

Logan is growing and growing.  We discovered on Thursday that his first tooth had popped through the skin.  I have felt it with nursing too which isn’t much fun.  He has the cutest little laugh.  He is going to be a daddy’s boy as he is constantly watching him and cracking smiles for him.  He loves to watch Liam no matter when he is doing.  They are going to have a special bond those boys.  He spits up a lot which I hope will get better soon!  And he loves to eat his solids.  The first time we tried he ate like a champ and knew exactly what to do!  Logan sure is a blessing and I’m so thankful to be his mother.

PPD

I first want to start this off on a positive note with a precious photo I captured Monday evening.  They were watching Berenstain Bears together.  The bond these two have is precious.  I saw it from day one in the hospital and can see it getting stronger and stronger.  Logan is constantly watching Liam and smiling at him.  Liam is always up for wanting to give Logan a kiss or a hug.  I am blessed.

I made the decision (though hard) to go see someone.  My days continue to be really difficult.  Last Tuesday I had a really tough day.  I spilled 2 ounces of breast milk and it felt like the end of the world.  I wanted to hit the wall again but stopped myself.  That same day I went home at lunch and couldn’t stop crying.  I told myself I need to do something about it.  When I got back to work I made a call to my doctor.

I had my appointment on Monday.  I so wanted to cancel and I told the doctor that.  I just feel like I should be able to handle this all on my own.  I told her what was going on, what I was feeling, and she said everything I’m experiencing is PPD.  She said about 20% of moms get it.  I was fine with Liam but not this time around.  She put me on a low dose of Zoloft and I’m going to go back in 6 weeks to follow-up on how I’m doing.  There is a therapist there at my OGBYN as well if I want to go down that path.  I think Zoloft and continuing to take extra care of myself (rest if possible, exercising) will hopefully get me back on track.  I pray it will.  I want to feel like me again.

The two things that have really comforted me recently are exercising in particular running.  My husband has been really good Saturday mornings watching the boys so I can go on the treadmill for a good 45 minutes.  It really is my outlet these days.  Coffee in the morning and warm tea in the afternoon have been of comfort for me too.  I will take what I can get.

One day at a time.  I continue to hold this close to my heart in the hopes of feeling better soon.

My Daily Struggles

Oh life!  I’m not going to lie; it’s really tough this time around.  I’m struggling with sleep, emotions, etc.  I’ve reached out to a friend who suffered postpartum depression with her three kids.  I know if I just slept I would feel better.

Logan was doing great sleeping, until around Christmas.  Since then he has been up 2-3 times a night to eat.  It’s hard, really hard.  And I can’t fall back asleep.  I’m suffering from insomnia despite being so exhausted.  I lay there and it’s so frustrating.  By the time I fall back asleep, Logan is waking me 30 minutes later to eat again.  It’s a vicious cycle.  I dread the nighttime recently, even though I’ve always loved to sleep.

My emotions have been all over the place.  Not sleeping and working 8 hours the next day is tough.  Some days I don’t know how to stop crying.  I’m so overwhelmed.  Last Monday I was crying so bad in my pump room and told myself I need help so reached out to my friend.

I’ve done stuff I don’t normally do.  Three weeks ago I came back from grocery shopping at 8:30 on a Sunday night.  My hubby was frustrated with getting Logan back to sleep.  So I got frustrated and hit the wall with my hand causing bruising and bleeding.  I know I would never hurt Logan but somehow it’s ok to hurt myself.  Feeling pain somehow makes me feel better.

I know I will get out of this place but it’s a struggle right now.  Some days I just don’t feel like myself.  Other days (if I have slept more than 4 hours the night before) I feel ok and all is good with the world.  I had my challenges when Liam was young, but this time around it’s a lot worse.

I am grateful for my two kids and love them dearly.  And I know this will all pass.  One day at a time.  I can do this.  I am strong.

My Weight Battle and Anxiety

Where do I begin?  I’m struggling.  I’m struggling to accept my body the way I am in this moment.  I’m working to get better but like my grandfather, when I want something I want it now.

I didn’t gain as much weight this time with Logan as I did with Liam thankfully.  I gained about 40 pounds with Liam and only 28 with Logan.  I lost all but 5 pounds of my weight before having Logan.  I’ve lost 16 pounds of my weight with Logan so far, though right now I would like to lose an additional 20 pounds if my body would let me.

It’s a struggle.  It’s a struggle to accept your body after having one kid and then after having two kids.  It changes and not the way I want it to change.  I know I’m too hard on myself.  It’s only been 9 weeks since I’ve had him.  I’ve started eating a lot healthier, started an exercise routine a week ago (working out 5 days a week) and let’s not forget breastfeeding.  It’s going to come off right?

Its hard because I want to eat better and less but at the same time know I need to eat to keep up my milk supply.  I feel like I’m battling myself.  Amy, no you need to eat less to lose weight.  Amy, no you need to eat more to keep up your milk supply.  I guess I don’t remember this so much after I had Liam.  And I’m hungry all the time because of nursing.

It doesn’t also help that I’m feeling stretched thin.  I’m working full time, raising two kids, nursing (a second job), taking care of the household, trying my best to spend some time with my husband, and oh yeah trying to take care of myself.  It’s tough; I’m not going to lie.

I think all of that is making my anxiety worse.  I’ve always had issues but learned to deal with it.  It seems like my anxiety is getting worse.  Last weekend my heart started racing a few times.  I need to learn to slow down and relax.  But how, with so much on my plate?

I’m making exercise my outlet.  30 minutes at least 5 days a week just for me.  I know it will make me feel better about myself, help with weight loss and also help manage my anxiety.  Some nights when its 8pm and I finally get on the treadmill, I honestly prefer to sit and relax.  But I know I always feel better afterwords and it really helps with my stress level.  I need to commit this time for me, so I’m a better me for myself and my precious family who I’m so thankful for.

My motto; one day at a time.  I can get though today. 

Life with Logan

 

(Logan after his first day of school yesterday!)

I’ve been wanting to write for a while but just haven’t found the time.

Logan is 8 weeks today.  Where does the time go?  He is beyond precious.  I love every minute of having him in this world.  I never knew I could have so much love for another child besides Liam. 

Logan has been a great baby.  He is really easy going and only cries when he’s hungry, tired or has gas.  He is an amazing sleeper.  He normally sleeps 4 hours to start, but we’ve gotten a few 5 hours and even a 7 hour stretch to start.  Last night he was in bed at 10, up at 2 to eat and then up at 7.  This is completely different from how Liam slept.  I think because Liam was such a difficult sleeper I’m appreciating Logan’s sleep habits so much more!

My favorite moment with Logan so far is when I nurse him.  When he looks up at me while feeding is pure bliss.  I am just cherishing those moments with him.  He and I have such an amazing bond.  I know all too well how quickly it goes. 

My first day back to work was yesterday.  It was hard, really hard.  I remember it being hard with Liam but not this hard.  Dropping Logan off at school was difficult but I know I needed to do it.  I needed to be sure everything was in its place.  Saying goodbye was so tough.  To think he has physically been with me since January when we conceived him and now I’m going to be apart from him for longer than 2 hours.  I cried a lot.  I just wanted to get out of there and let it out but Liam wanted to say goodbye to me.  I gave him a quick hug and left.  I needed to be alone and let all these emotions out.

It was good to be back at work as I do love my job.  But I also love my time with Logan.  His school is less than 5 minutes from my work so I went to see him at lunch to nurse him.  It made the day go by faster.  I sure was happy to pick him up at the end of the day.  I know it will get easier.  I did it with Liam, I can do it with Logan.  And I know for myself I need the mental stimulation at work.  And Liam is thriving at school and I want the same for Logan.  For now, one day at a time.

I still need to write up Logan’s birth story.  Despite 21 hours of labor, I would do it all again in a heartbeat for him.  It’s true in that they say you forget all the pain once your child is born. 

I wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving.  We have so much to be thankful for this year.

Sweetpea is here!

Just a short note to say Logan Michael arrived on Tuesday, October 1st at 3pm.  He weighed in at 6lb 12.5 oz and 20.5 inches long.  He is perfect.  Despite 21 hours of labor and multiple fears of having another c-section has his heart rate was dropping, I was able to have the VBAC I so wanted. I cried when he came out.  I had done it!  And what an amazing feeling it was.

We have been home since Thursday.  Sleeping is challenging but I must remember he isn't even a week old yet.  I love this little guy so much and am so blessed.

39 Weeks

I have to say these past 2-3 weeks have been really long.  This pregnancy has gone by fast but the past few are dragging.  I think it’s because I just want him here so badly right now.  I’ve never been a real patient person but I can say right now I’m getting really impatient!

I went to the hospital on Monday to have the ECV to get him to flip to head down. Well we got the best news we could possibly ask for.  They did an ultrasound when I got there and sure enough he flipped on his own!  I was so thankful he had done it.  But at the same time I asked him why he was causing Mommy so much stress!

My hubby and I had the rest of the day to ourselves so we went home and watched a movie.  It was so nice just to be the two of us and do something we haven’t done in a while.  I really cherished those few hours of just us as I know once Sweetpea comes things will get hectic.

I had my 39 week appointment this morning.  Still 2cm dilated and 60% effaced.  Though the good news is his head is still down!  It’s not engaged yet but at least it’s down!  She did ask if I wanted my membranes stripped and I told her to do so.  I will do anything right now to get things moving along!  It hurt but felt it was worth it to potentially allow me to meet my little boy in the near future.  I was measuring 38 weeks which is great as I was always measuring 2-3 weeks ahead with Liam.  Sweetpea is going to be a normal size baby and that makes me confident I can do this VBAC that I so want.

So I continue to wait in hopes of meeting my precious little boy very soon!!