Blah

That seems to be the only word to describe what I'm feeling right now.

Its 1 am and I should be sleeping but can't. I had an odd day yesterday of just not feeling like myself. I decided I just wanted to sleep so went to bed at 7:30pm. Now here I am awake and not sure how to get back to sleep.

I'm not sure what in particular has put me in this mood. I don't know if i'm scared about today. Today we are headed to my hubby's aunts house for a Christmas gathering. Only his grandparents know about our miscarriage. I guess lately I have a tough time being in a group setting, especially when people don't know what happened. I feel like I have to put on this happy face like everything is ok when its not. God, we just found out 2 weeks ago we had lost yet another child. No, I'm not happy. I'm sad, frustrated, empty, lonely and upset. But I don't know if I want everyone to know so I keep that fake face on. I'm so afraid of any questions of having a baby that will put me over the edge. Not only am I afraid of trying to act happy, I'm upset because our baby should be with us. This should have been a time of celebration. It should have been a time to share our news. Instead I carry this secret and this weight with me. Its just not fair.

My one saving grace is we get to bring our dog. If I'm getting uncomfortable or just need to get away, my dog and I will get just out of the house to take him out. He is my escape from my emotions.

Going to try and watch some tv to hopefully tire me out enough to get some sleep. I hope one day when I wake up all this pain and saddness will disappear but I'm not holding my breath.