So Many Emotions...

I've been doing the best I can to deal with all my emotions. I think the estrogen I'm on is helping with that as I seem more in control than I did after my first D&C. But that doesn't mean the thoughts and emotions aren't still there.

My hubby and I went to church this morning and I saw my mother-in-law. She is a wonderful lady and I'm so glad to have her in my life. But she said something this morning that triggered all these emotions and I know she didn't mean it. My hubby's brother has 2 kids and 1 on the way and live far away from us. My mother-in-law said she did a webcam with them yesterday and got to see her granddaughter give a fashion show. Hearing that triggered so many emotions.

One emotion - that of jealously. Why is having a family so easy for them and so difficult for us? I would give anything to be a mother. It just plan hurts. I know I shouldn't be jealous but I can't help it. When will we get our turn?

Another - failure. Not only do I want to be a mother, I want my husband to be a father, my parents to be grandparents, and I want to be able to give my mother-in-law a grandchild close to home. But I've failed twice already. I'm not getting pressure from any of them, just support. I'm only pressuring myself. What is wrong with me that I can't create a child and keep in living? I feel like I have failed, not once but twice. I'm a woman, I'm supposed to bear children so what the hell is wrong?

I've been going stir crazy in the house if i'm home for even a few hours. I feel like if I stop and relax, all my emotions are going to come out and I'm not going to be able to get out of it. So I just try and keep moving. My hubby and I went out today to run some errands. All around me where babies and children. After all the shit I've been through, I see these children as miracles. I never thought that way before until all this happened. But I questioned, do they see it as a miracle? Was getting pregnant and staying pregnant easy for them? Do they cherish that child like I would? When will I see the light at the end of my tunnel?