Empty

That is what I’m feeling today. I’m feeling empty inside as there is no baby in my belly. I remember how that felt the first time. All I want is for it to be filled again. My heart as a hole in it right now. It was filled with this little person and now it’s gone.

Since we found out we were pregnant again, I was so overjoyed and happy again. This child had put a smile back on my face. I was so excited for the holidays and to celebrate my 30th birthday with this child inside of me. It was our Christmas miracle. I told my husband I didn’t want anything for Christmas as I was pregnant and that was all I could have asked for.

My gift was taken from me. I have no more baby. How do I get through this season without this child? How do I cover up my sheer pain so people don’t ask questions? How do I pretend like everything is ok when I’m dying inside? How can I find the strength to put a smile on my face? The truth – I wouldn’t be saddened if I didn’t see Christmas or my birthday this year. I know that is harsh and sad, but that’s how I feel. I don’t feel like celebrating this year. The one gift I had wanted, I received and then had it taken away from me. No gift could replace that.

This has been a very difficult year for me. I lost my youngest uncle to a heart attack, my most loved and favorite grandmother and then two unborn children. How do you get past all of that? How do you get past the grieving process so you can actually start to heal? I have so many questions but unsure of how to get the answers.