Devastated

That is the best word these days to describe how I’m feeling. We lost our Nugget.

Tuesday we went to see our doctor to get another ultrasound. I’ve been scared all weekend that something just wasn’t right but didn’t want admit it for fear that it might come true. She started the ultrasound and at first you couldn’t see anything. Finally she found what we were measuring as the baby last time. It was only measuring at 6 weeks 5 days and there was no heartbeat. My devastation set in. How could I go through this again? How could my body physically and emotionally handling losing another child in less than 5 months? What had I done to deserve this?

After many tears at home and weighing all the options we opted for another D&C. There was fear of scarring but I knew emotionally I couldn’t handle miscarrying on my own. I had the D&C on Wednesday. Everything went fine and they were able to get some fetal matter to do some tests.

The rest of the week I’ve been lying around, trying to heal physically, trying to come to terms with what has happened, allowing all these crazy hormones kick in, letting the tears flow like never before to get all this pain inside of me out.

I went to church on Sunday with my hubby and had a very difficult time. The homily was all about pregnancy and Mary having a child growing inside of her. It was more than I could handle. I went in the bathroom and let it out. I don’t think I have cried so hard. While in the bathroom I realized I have never felt emotional pain like this before. I have never hurt so much in my life. Yes, I have had some difficult times in my life; I have lost loved ones, but nothing like this. Nothing can ever prepare you to lose two unborn children in your life. Nothing can prepare you for the pain you will endure.

Today is my first full day back to work. I was at the dining room table having breakfast with my husband and started tearing up. He asked if I was ok. I said no. I’m not ready to go back to work. The thing is I don’t know if/when I will ever be ready. I know I must start to move forward with my life and start the healing process. I am just afraid that if I move too fast this child will think I didn’t love her, like it didn’t matter and that is furthest from the truth. This child was our dream, our future and in July our lives would have changed. I would give anything to have that all back.

Sometimes I just sit there and let the tears flow out. I feel like I’m in this nightmare and if I just cry hard enough and let it out that I will wake up. I will wake up from this nightmare and everything will be ok. I will smile again. I won’t feel empty in my belly anymore. I will be excited for the future and starting our family. I will finally be able to do what I was put on this earth to do; to be a mother. But then I remember that’s not reality.

When I first started this blog I was going to put it up on the Miscarriage Blog Directory but decided not to. Now, I think I need it more than ever. I need to know I’m not alone. I need to know that this pain I’m feeling is normal and it will go away. I need to know that there are others out there that can help me get through this struggle. And maybe through my struggles, I can help others.

I must get through today. It is ok to cry and get all these emotions out. I just don’t ever want this child to forget how much she was loved.