Getting it out of my head

Yesterday morning, for some reason, my mind went back to about 2 weeks after we lost Grace. We had gone to my husband’s aunt and uncle’s house for a Christmas gathering. His mom was the only one there that had known I had just lost a baby. I went in with a smile and tried my best to cover up the hurt inside. I did fairly well for awhile. My husband was talking with his cousin so I was aimlessly walking around the house with my dog. I went into a private living room they had and sat down. I remember the tears starting to fall and all the pain coming out. I was aching inside for my baby that was taken from me. I couldn’t bear to come out to take a family photo, let alone say goodbye to everyone. I didn’t want people to see my pain and question what was going on. I wasn’t ready to share. It hurt too much.

I haven’t thought about this experience until yesterday. Maybe it’s me subconsciously getting ready for this weekend. My husband and I are going back to the same aunt and uncle’s house for a gathering. Am I scared to go back and remember that difficult time? Am I afraid all those bad memories will get stirred up again?

I know I am strong and will get through it, though for some reason this experience is haunting me right now. Sunday also is when I should be ovulating. I have to look at Sunday as a day of potentially moving forward. It’s a day of looking to the future and not letting the past haunt me. The words are so easy to write. If only following them was just as easy.