Dream or More Like a Bad Nightmare

I’m trying not to think about it but subconsciously I’m scared for Thursday. I’m scared of what they might or might not find when doing the 3D ultrasound. I just want it to be over with so I know.

Last night I had a dream that I was having the 3D ultrasound done. My husband wasn’t even there and was running late. (This is not characteristic of him at all as he is always by my side when I need him). The technician didn’t say much while she was doing it. She left and I was able to get dressed. She came back in and I asked what she saw. She said that my uterus was tilted and there was nothing they could do about it.

I started freaking out, yelling and throwing things. I was so mad that that was what they had found and they couldn’t help me. She said all we could do was to keep trying but they couldn’t help to avoid miscarriages. I felt doomed to never be a mother.

The dream is definitely showing the reality of fear I’m having. I’m scared they find something that they can’t fix and I can never had a child to term naturally. I so desire to carry a child and feel it kick. I feel like I was put on this earth to be a mother. I’m also scared that they won’t find anything and that they have no reason as to why I lost my two babies. I don’t know if I can go about trying again with fear of losing yet another child.

I’m trying to stay positive but know that these fears won’t go away. I need to know my fate and the fate of having future children.