Emotions

I went to bed last night in a grumpy and emotional mood but was unsure why. I thought I was just overtired. I was laying there and the tears started to flow and they didn’t seem to want to stop. I tried to figure out what was setting me off again.

My husband is going to GA to see his brother get this PhD. He had sent an email out to me, his brothers and his mom. His mom replied back that he could drive him, with her two granddaughters to the train station to get to the airport. For some reason, that email bothered me. It was the “with my two granddaughters” phrase that hurt. I know she doesn’t mean it in any way shape or form to upset me but it did. It just reminded me that I can’t seem to give her a grandchild and that kills me. I know how much she loves her grandkids and I wish I was able to give her one. It makes me feel inadequate. It makes me feel like a failure. I know deep down I’m not but this is what I’m feeling and it hurts. I am a woman and am supposed to bear children and I can’t seem to do that.

I had briefly thought of going to GA with my husband but knew I just couldn’t handle it emotionally. My sister-in-law will be about 7 ½ months pregnant. I couldn’t bear to be around her. As most of you know, seeing a pregnant belly is a huge slap in the face. I know I couldn’t bear to see my mother-in-law rub her belly and see how she would interact with her granddaughters. It just would hurt too much. It pains me that my husband will see his sister-in-law carrying her third child and he can’t even see his wife carry his own. I just feel so inadequate these days.

So needless to say I’m staying behind to take care of our dog and guinea pig. I think it is the best for me emotionally. I am starting to realize what I can and can’t handle and am doing only what makes me feel comfortable. Being home is most comfortable for me in this situation.