Since my first miscarriage in July I’ve discovered the many ways in which it has changed me; in particular how I look at the world.
Reading as always been a favorite past time for me. Lately I’ve been trying to find books that try and take my mind off of everything going on in my life. As you know sometimes that is easier said than done.
Friday night I was reading a book my husband bought for me; Best Friends Forever by Jennifer Weiner. It was about two old friends and I didn’t think there would be any mention of babies or miscarriages. Boy was I wrong. There was a whole chapter about the detective character in the book and the miscarriages he and his wife experienced. She ended up going through four miscarriages. I’m sure I have read about them in books before but since going through it, you read it in a whole different light. I had to read every word of the chapter. I associated with it on so many different levels. It explained about her going through an emotional struggle of dealing with multiple miscarriages. Sometimes it’s scary to read a fiction novel and have it be associated with your own reality.
My husband and I attended mass on Sunday at our alma mater school’s chapel. There is one section in the chapel where all the young couples with children sit. I used to love to watch all of them; but now it makes me feel very uneasy and anxious. I have informed my husband that sitting further in the back so as not to be able to see around the corner at all the babies is something I need to do for now.
Well, a young couple sat about three rows in front of us with a 4 month old little boy. I couldn’t help but staring at him for so many reasons. He was a handsome perfect little boy. While I looked at him, he made me wonder what Nathaniel might have looked like as he would have been over a month now. But more importantly, looking at this little boy in front of me reminded me again how precious life is. That little boy is a miracle, a blessing and a gift from God. There are too many children born into this world that are not looked at in this light. I am still trying to figure out why God took my angels away from me though. Why does he allow some babies to make their way into this world and then not allow others?
Thursday is fast approaching. I’m hoping it’s a day of answers and solutions. I’m so scared for the day but so ready to move forward.
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I think it is impossible to go through losing babies and come out the same person. In a lot of ways I like who I am now better than who I was before. I feel blessed that my babies chose me to be their mommy--even if it was too short of a time. I know they're waiting for me in Heaven. Knowing that, I would go through it all again; even though it was so hard.
ReplyDeleteGood luck on Thursday! Oh, and I read to take my mind off of the real world, too!
P.S. Thanks for the name suggestions! I think we're getting closer to chosing one! :)
ReplyDeleteLosing babies definitely makes us into different people. Some of the change is good and some not so good, but all of it is completely understandable. I will be praying for strength for you and some solid answers.
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