Getting This Crap Out

I’m having a day where I just want to get away for awhile. Too much shit going on right now. Work has been really slow this week, therefore my mind wanders and the tears start to fall. I had a night last night. I was lonely as my husband was at class and just felt plain alone. I turned the computer on, read through some miscarriage blogs, and let the tears flow. I had to get it out. To top it off, I haven’t slept much the past two nights. My mind or body won’t shut off so I can get some sleep.

I’m in the dreaded two week period, where all we can do is wait and it’s driving me crazy. I have to keep busy to get through the next two weeks. Monday, November 16 is D-Day; either my period comes or it doesn’t. If it doesn't come – my dreams will have come true. If it does come – I will be saddened but will look to the next month to try again at starting a family that we so desire.

I never thought how lonely I would feel after losing this baby. I never thought how empty I would feel inside. My dreams were instantly taken away from me. We had so much to look forward to and now it’s all gone.

I’m also dealing with mixed emotions about getting pregnant. I’m excited beyond belief to actually get pregnant again, but I’m all scared as hell. I’m so afraid to go through this again; I don’t think I can do it emotionally. I’m trying my best to stay positive that the next time is going to be different. But those fears won’t ever leave me after what we faced. After seeing my family and how they deal with things, having a positive attitude gets you far in life. And I have to hold that true when we get pregnant next. I will carry that positive attitude for our child as I will do anything for him/her.

I guess it’s time to start the day and actually get some work done and take my mind off things. I know there is nothing I can do now except to be patient and keep busy (and that is so easy for me).