Remembering the First Time

The past few days I’ve been thinking back to my first pregnancy. Even though it didn’t end the way we wanted there were some blessings along the way. In particular, in the last few days of my pregnancy.

Some women never get to see their child’s heartbeat. Their child has left this earth before they have a chance. I was lucky enough to see our first baby’s heartbeat. If we had waited a week later for an ultrasound, this wouldn’t have been the case. He was small and the heartbeat was weak, but I was able to experience that. My little one held on long enough for Mommy and Daddy to know that he was there and he was a fighter, even though he didn’t fight for long. I am reminded of how blessed I was to have had that chance and be able to experience that.

Another blessing is my child knew only how strong I was and what I could handle. At his small size of only 7 ½ weeks, he knew emotionally that I couldn’t handle passing him on my own. I couldn’t handle having a D&C and knowing that he was going to be taken from me. Instead our bodies worked together and I absorbed him. What a blessing to know that he will always be with me. That my body loved and protected this child enough to do this.

This whole miscarriage has been a very painful experience but there were blessings along this way. I am so thankful to have had him in my life for a short time. What we went through as a mother and child is a bond I was able to experience first with him; my little angel in heaven.