Mixed Emotions

Today marks week 6. I can’t believe we have known for two weeks now that we are pregnant. I’ve been so positive so far but today I’m freaking out.

I feel like I should be having more symptoms. Yes, my boobs are sore, I have a big appetite and I’m going to the bathroom all the time. But I hear that it’s good to be nauseous and I’m not yet. I keep telling myself that every pregnancy is different and some people don’t get nauseous. I’m still scared for some reason. I need to just chill out. In 1 ½ weeks we can go have an ultrasound. Till then I need to be patient.

We got to share our news this past weekend with my husband’s family. In a sense I didn’t feel like I should be telling them, because this pregnancy still doesn’t feel real. I saw my pregnant sister-in-law. She is almost 17 weeks. I did ok, thanks to this little one inside me. There was a moment where I had to walk away. My mother-in-law said to her, “I just want to rub your belly”. I guess it hurt because I would have been 29 weeks and had a big belly. Would she have wanted to rub mine? Instead it’s too early to even be showing. I admit I was jealous of her belly and had a hard time looking at. It was a constant reminder to me that day of where I would have been if everything had gone smoothly.

Seeing her also reminded me that there are woman out there that don’t have to go through the paranoia that I’m going through right now. She has had 2 full term healthy pregnancies and another one the way. Did she ever have to worry if this one was going to miscarry?

Through all the miscarriage blogs I have been reading, this is something we will never be able to run away from. Us woman who have had a miscarriage will always be scared, always have that feeling in the pit of their stomach of what if. I don’t want to be like that but it’s haunting me. I can admit to myself I’m scared. I’m so afraid to get attached and have this baby taken away. I can’t go through it again. I so want to have this baby be healthy and see his/her face the end of July. But I can’t control that and it freaks me out.

I guess I’m just having a day. Maybe lack of sleep is bringing all these emotions to light. I am going to do my best to get back on that positive train because I know I need to do so for myself and this baby I’m carrying.