I made it through the weekend

Even though I’m still dealing with all my issues, I made it through the weekend. Chad and I went basketball shoe shopping for him and I did have a meltdown. It wasn’t one of those out of the blue, I want to cry; it was because of something.

It’s crazy but the holidays are coming up. On our way to the shoe store, Chad got a call from his brother about what we were doing for Thanksgiving weekend. Now granted, I love my husband’s family and enjoy spending time with them but this time it’s different.

About a month after we lost our baby, my husband’s brother called up to say they were expecting baby #3. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very excited for them, but the timing just plain sucks. I guess it goes back to my jealously post; I’m jealous of her that she already has two kids and another on the way.

In the shoe store I started getting anxiety, of me seeing her and how it would make me feel and how I was supposed to deal with it. How am I supposed to go see her with a smile on my face and seeing her little belly when I should have one? This absolutely terrifies me. I’m the type of person that wants to show I’m strong and nothing bothers me, but seeing her will bother me. I don’t want to have a meltdown in front of my husband’s family. I don’t want to appear weak.

Thanksgiving is a few weeks away and we most likely will go see them that weekend. My husband has been so loving and told me if I’m uncomfortable with it, I don’t have to go. But then I feel guilty that I should be there with my husband. The question I have to ask myself is do I want to face my fears head on or do I want to hide from them? If we go, I’m hoping we can bring our dog, so if I need some fresh air and am getting uncomfortable, Wally is my escape. Or do I stay home and feel guilty about not supporting my husband? It’s something I have to figure out for myself.

I’m also trying to stay positive too that, this is another month and who knows I might be pregnant by Thanksgiving. How wonderful that would be. I can’t get my hopes up like I did last month though as it was a huge let down. For now I’m dealing with this month and whatever happens, I need to accept it no matter what the outcome is.