Guilt and other ramblings

I can’t stop thinking about Grace since we found out on Friday that she was indeed a little girl and had healthy chromosomes. Hearing it made it all real and made me have all these new emotions.

When we lost Nathaniel, I thought it was just bad timing and things didn’t line up quite right as our doctor had said. It wasn’t anything we could have done and that maybe his chromosomes were just bad. Now I question what the problem really was. I didn’t blame myself with him as much as I did with Grace. Maybe it’s because I know now she was healthy.

I feel guilty because I feel like something is wrong with me and it’s my fault that she didn’t get to live her life. That she was healthy and because of me, I took that away from her. I question, should we have done tests after we lost Nathaniel? Would that have maybe saved her life? I know I can’t go back but I question, what if?

I have to get past this guilt but it’s consuming me right now. I hope she knows how much we wanted her and that I would have done anything to have her live. My heart aches so much for them right now.

I was in need of some alone time so went to the mall for awhile by myself yesterday. I love to shop and it seems to always put me in a better mood. It used to be easier to shop before I lost my angels. Now I can’t walk by the children’s department, walk past a pregnant woman, or see children with their parents without feeling like a knife is going through my heart. There are so many reminders out there that bring me back to thinking about them. I try to be normal for just a second and then the pain comes back. And as I walked around the mall I held in this secret, this secret that I’m grieving for my two babies and that the pain is unbearable.

I feel called to honor these two angels. I just can’t seem to do enough or figure out what is the best way. My dear friend made me a necklace which looks like a nest with two eggs; I wear it every day. I’m having a ring made with two birthstones and having their names engraved on the inside. Once received, I will wear every day. I purchased on the October 15 website a Precious Feet Ribbon Pin. Once received I will wear on my coat every day. I have purchased two angels ornaments that I have kept out in our dining room (I can’t seem to put them away). I have made a candle for them. I think of them daily and often and keep them in my heart. I try and write daily on my blog. I feel like I need to do more to honor them, to know they are not forgotten, to show them how much I loved both of them but I just don’t know what. I think nothing I do I feel will ever be enough to show them how much their short life meant to me.